Mr Lautner and growing old

I had aimed to write a lovely reflective piece about how our de-cluttering and down-sizing is going; how it felt to clear Lily's room (sickening, as she had so much stuff that I had wasted money on), how it felt to walk past shops (liberating, but ohhh there is some pretty stuff out their), how I was feeling inside (much better thanks), but the truth is, I am feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment.  I am feeling old.  Now, I am not expecting any pity here (I can do that for myself, thank you) as I am in good health (mostly), and I am still closer to 35 then 40, and I still (hopefully) have many years ahead of me, but this week has been one of those 'light-bulb' moments that we sometimes have.....

Something for sore eyes

Friday nights, are film  night in our family; this week we settled to watch Abduction [DVD], an action movie starring Taylor Lautner.  Now, if you haven't come across Taylor before, he is quite attractive (British tone) or Pretty Hot (American tone).  My mind, which tends to work in that slightly restrained British tone, is leaning more towards the American (pretty hot) attitude when it comes to Taylor.  It's more relaxed, if you get what I mean.

Mr Lautner

Anyway, Taylor is the main character in the film, and is all kind of moody and actioney, and YOUNG!  Oh my, how young.  And here in lies the problem that is making me feel old; Mr Lautner is closer in age to my teenage daughters than to me; and my teenage daughters also think he is pretty hot.  Somehow, over the past 14 years, I have grown up: I have raised three children to double figures (and the're not too damaged, well done Ben & I!), qualified in a profession, made friends, lost friends, laughed, cried, and got older - even though in my head I am still 20 something - I have got older.

Apparently, if I am attracted to someone much younger, or who is now closer in age to my daughter's, then technically, I understand that makes me a 'cougar', an older woman chasing a younger man.  Or then again, maybe it just makes me someone who feels young in-side, who can still dream, who still has a whole life ahead, who likes to window shop (after all, I am downsizing and not 'buying' stuff any more).  Perfectly acceptable then?  I think so.

I know one thing that this 'light-bulb' moment has enabled me to see, and that is my children are growing, and my eldest will not be my 'child' for much longer, but a young woman with her own hopes, dreams and life.  I can not choose her dreams or live my own 'failed' ones through her, but as her parent, I can only hope to prepare her for her own exciting, challenging, changing journey.  I have to have the maturity and wisdom to let her go - and that is something that can come with getting older.

Several years ago, I came across a book called 'The Prophet'; this beautiful collection of prose poetry shares wisdom in a simply profound way.  My favourite, is the one on Children:

enjoy
angela x

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children." 

And he said:


Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable. 

A week of travel

Last week we did a lot of travelling; we travelled along the Amazon and searched for the Xanti, we visited  Panem and some of it's districts, we nipped to the living room and explored the female pelvis and we met with some 'wild things' in a far off distant land.

Our week started with a workshop I hosted entitled 'A Morning with a Midwife'; 12 home-ed children aged 9 - 15 spent the morning with me as we covered the physiology and anatomy of pregnancy, birth and the pelvis (you can read all about it here in my midwifery blog).  It was a really great morning and I enjoyed it so much that I will be offering it again in the not too distant future.....

and in different tones.

Sophie's current work...

Sophie has been continuing with her art GCSE; I am so amazed with how talented she is (I can just about draw a stick man) and it is so lovely to see her skills developing; we are planning some trips to support her studies, and she is really growing into her creativity which is so important.  A fellow home-ed mother sent a great link to a blog post about the importance of creativity, and whilst there are set pieces of work to do, and yes it is being 'evaluated', there is a lot of emphasis on personal growth.  Sophie is struggling a little with the required amount of work, but the great thing about home-ed is she is not trying to fit in 8 other GCSE's (and a life) at the same time!

Finally, after quite a few months, Noah and I finished our trip along the Amazon with 'Journey to the River Sea'.  We stopped reading this together for quite a while, and I'm not sure how and why that happened really: however, after talking to an experienced home educating mum about my frustration with not always getting done what we had set out to do, she shared with me a gem of knowledge:

  "if there is one thing I have realised along my only journey of home ed, it's that things are always changing.  And the one consistent thing that has made a real difference to their learning is reading, reading, reading.  Reading to my children opens so many worlds and introduces them to say many things and it forces me to sit with my child for a cuddle.  It is the one thing we never let slip".  

This sharing of such a simple key element to home ed was really enlightening for me (another letting go of expectations?) so I have sat and read with Noah and Lily (Sophie, at nearly 14 is not feeling the need quite so much) and finally Noah and I finished reading what turned out to be a beautifully written, exciting and wonderful book!  I researched some 'top children's books list' and the next book we are tackling is 'Treasure Island'.


The rest of our week was relatively quiet, and on Friday we had a DVD day.  Noah and I sat and watched 'Where The Wild Things Are'; this charming film was based on the classic book by Maurice Sendak and is one of our favourites.  The film we loved!  For me, I felt that the wild things were reflecting the emotions that Max was experiencing and unable to vocalise; it made Noah think a lot, but he mainly just enjoyed it for what is was.  Lily, being Asperger's, just saw it through her own eyes and couldn't see the 'point' of the film as it was so obviously just people dressed up; it is difficult for an 'Aspie' person to see things through someone else's eyes, and just by chance I came across the fab blog written by an Aspie adult who really helps explain how they 'see' things.  It really is a sweet family film and both Noah and I cried at the end.

Our evening choice of DVD was a little less gentle; The Hunger Games.  We had heard varying views on the suitability of this film, but we all really, really enjoyed it!  Yes, it was quite violent, but the story was more than just people killing each other (really) and inspired lots of debate between the family.  The next day we brought the book set and I nabbed the book version first, with the others queuing up to read it after I have finished.


Some weeks we get loads done, others a lot less; on the surface it can appear we aren't really doing much at all, but secretly we (all) our doing that thing of learning all the time.  Even if it is just about ourselves or the films we like.

Teaching is not a matter of making children learn; it is a matter of making sure you don’t get in their way.  David Gribble

angela x

Autumnal Changes

Last week I posted a really powerful 'open dialogue' with you (my lovely reader) on this blog; since then I have cried a lot, journalled a lot, thought a lot, but generally felt a whole lot better.  Sometimes, just getting out what is stuck inside can be the start to really healing.  Thank you to those who came and listened and let me cry (and probably dribble on you a little).  It helped.

Autumn is my favourite time of year; I love it as the evenings start to draw in, the landscape starts to change, the fire is lit in the hearth, hot chocolate re-appears on the 'essential food' list, and everything just starts to slow a little.  I enjoy celebrating Halloween, Bon Fire night and starting the countdown to Christmas.  Most of all, I love snuggling in my bed or on the sofa and reading with my children; reading, I am discovering, is probably where my children are doing most of their learning - and mostly without the need for me to 'teach' them anything.


Just like those autumnal leaves are changing and turning beautiful colours, so too this week has seen another time of change, another chance to grow:  I often have wobbles about what we are doing (and accept now this is part of home-ed and my own un-schooling), and yet again, this week I learnt a valuable lesson.

Noah, if in main-stream education would currently be in Yr 5; he has recently taken to writing to his BFFE (now a pen-pal), and when it came to addressing the envelope, his handwriting was huge and swirly and could not fit on an envelope.  I freaked! That is not how to address a letter if your 9, if your in year 5, if you are keeping up with your peers.  I took over, re-wrote the envelope and huffed and puffed a bit.  Later on, once I had reflected on this episode, I realised what the real problem was; my fear.  My fear that people would think 'can't she teach her son to write properly?'; my fear that somehow his writing was 'not up to scratch'; my fear that he won't get into university?  Fear, it seems, has a lot to do with schooling and not a whole lot to do with education.  Noah can spell amazingly well, he reads for pleasure, he asks (annoyingly) a billion and one questions.  He is bright, funny, articulate..... and I allowed my fear to make him feel that his writing was wrong.  That is not good.

So, I apologise to Noah for doubting him, for trying to make him 'fit': in future I will make no apologies for his hand-writing; the swirls, the large font, the flaws.  That writing is Noah, in all his brilliance and all his creativeness and in all that he is; one day, he will write perfect envelopes, and he will get there in his own time and at his own pace.

The other change a-foot will be in this blog; just a little change, one I hope you will like.  I love writing, and can't always get everything down; I now plan to blog twice a week; one post will be about our home-learning, things to inspire, share, let you know what we've been up to.  The second will be reflective and more about our journey, feelings, thoughts and the 'spiritual' side of us.   You can 'follow' the blog (this makes me feel less lonely!) by clicking on the right hand side, or you can register to receive emails.

What changes will autumn inspire in you?

angela x 

The possibilities of change

The past twelve months has been the hardest, scariest, most exciting, difficult and amazing journey of my life, and I am sensing a 'size-mic' shift in our family and where we are heading.

I have been on a personal journey of growth and change since Noah was born; having my child at home made me start to question the 'establishment', the 'norm', and ever since then this has pretty much been a theme of mine; to question, to try and see things through a 'different' lens, to explore some of the alternatives.  It makes life interesting, it can make life harder, but somehow it always ends up feeling 'good' - instinctively 'right'.

So this year, my core beliefs are up for questioning again!  When my lovely hubby and I started out on our journey of 'married life', these where our goals:

• Children
• A four-bedroom detached house (witn en-suite)
• Two nice cars on the drive
• Holidays 
• Nice 'things'

A normal list, the suburban dream right?  The thing is, we've done all of that, and somehow I don't feel fulfilled by any of it.  This is what I see instead:

• Individuals who are vying to be heard
• A large house that needs cleaning and maintenance, and a mortgage that is a noose around our necks
• A nice car that cost a fortune to run
• Expensive holidays that you spend all year wishing away time to get to - and then the rest of the year paying off!
• Stuff

I have often swung between wishing and trying to be more 'authentic', and then idealising the 'modern dream', but the events this year have finally shown me that actually, my heart and soul is with being authentic. In conclusion, Modern life sucks.  

So, with the help of wonderful new book, we are starting the change; we are working our way towards a different list, a different way of demonstrating success, a more 'authentic' way of being:

• A family who are connected, but learning to walk their own paths
  (loving, sharing and letting go)
• A small home to keep us warm and safe
  (small mortgage, less cleaning, more time to pursue mindful living)
• One car
  (a reliable, inexpensive car without huge monthly commitments)
• Trips
  (visiting places, having experiences, winter camping.  NO post-holiday bills to clear!)
• Living with what we need - not want we 'want'
  (less stuff to organise, clean, sort, pay for etc etc)

This month we are clearing out, de-cluttering, letting-go of things that we simply do not need.  I personally have decided to take the 'project333' and have whittled down my wardrobe (a challenge I can tell you!) and have another few things to go..... but it is already feeling very liberating.  We are taking on one room at a time, and we will then re-do those rooms, and then re-do those rooms again!  We have challenged the children too, and will be introducing the '30-day' rule; if you want something, wait for 30 days, and then if you still want it / need it, then you can buy it (if you have saved the money).  

Our goal will take time to 'reach', but the real learning is not in getting 'there', but in the journey we take; re-finding who we are, making space and time for the things that are really important to us, connecting with our souls, reducing our consumption of stuff, letting-go of societal norms.

I also have the personal challenge of letting-go of some of my baggage, of grieving and healing; lately I have been feeling angry and hurt that when people ask me how I am, they don't really ask me how I am, or really take the time to listen.  That maybe, because I blog, because 7 months have passed since mum died, because I am getting on with life, I am OK.    I AM NOT OK - just in case you were wondering.  I am angry, very angry, really angry, gigantically angry, and in case you weren't sure - I'M ANGRY.  And I'm hurting.  It's like my heart has been ripped out, mashed about, squashed and then shoved back in - and I am supposed to be OK.  That after all this time I should have 'closure'.  So, after watching this amazing lecture, I have learnt that I don't need closure, I just need to heal, I just need to be.  I have decided it is time to have counselling to help me voice my emotions around the loss and death of my mother; I have decided that I don't want to parent with anger any more; I have realised it is my problem that people don't ask, and that by working towards our new 'goals', I will have the time to take care of me, my family and invest in those around me who fill my heart and soul and totally 'get' where I am at. (Rant over).

So, in summary, our learning journey for the next few months is about living with less, loving with more, and defining our own (not the 'norm') terms of success.  

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -Mark Twain

angela xx