I have been on a personal journey of growth and change since Noah was born; having my child at home made me start to question the 'establishment', the 'norm', and ever since then this has pretty much been a theme of mine; to question, to try and see things through a 'different' lens, to explore some of the alternatives. It makes life interesting, it can make life harder, but somehow it always ends up feeling 'good' - instinctively 'right'.
So this year, my core beliefs are up for questioning again! When my lovely hubby and I started out on our journey of 'married life', these where our goals:
- Children
- A four-bedroom detached house (witn en-suite)
- Two nice cars on the drive
- Holidays
- Nice 'things'
A normal list, the suburban dream right? The thing is, we've done all of that, and somehow I don't feel fulfilled by any of it. This is what I see instead:
- Individuals who are vying to be heard
- A large house that needs cleaning and maintenance, and a mortgage that is a noose around our necks
- A nice car that cost a fortune to run
- Expensive holidays that you spend all year wishing away time to get to - and then the rest of the year paying off!
- Stuff
I have often swung between wishing and trying to be more 'authentic', and then idealising the 'modern dream', but the events this year have finally shown me that actually, my heart and soul is with being authentic. In conclusion, Modern life sucks.
So, with the help of wonderful new book, we are starting the change; we are working our way towards a different list, a different way of demonstrating success, a more 'authentic' way of being:
- A family who are connected, but learning to walk their own paths
(loving, sharing and letting go) - A small home to keep us warm and safe
(small mortgage, less cleaning, more time to pursue mindful living) - One car
(a reliable, inexpensive car without huge monthly commitments) - Trips
(visiting places, having experiences, winter camping. NO post-holiday bills to clear!) - Living with what we need - not want we 'want'
(less stuff to organise, clean, sort, pay for etc etc)
This month we are clearing out, de-cluttering, letting-go of things that we simply do not need. I personally have decided to take the 'project333' and have whittled down my wardrobe (a challenge I can tell you!) and have another few things to go..... but it is already feeling very liberating. We are taking on one room at a time, and we will then re-do those rooms, and then re-do those rooms again! We have challenged the children too, and will be introducing the '30-day' rule; if you want something, wait for 30 days, and then if you still want it / need it, then you can buy it (if you have saved the money).
Our goal will take time to 'reach', but the real learning is not in getting 'there', but in the journey we take; re-finding who we are, making space and time for the things that are really important to us, connecting with our souls, reducing our consumption of stuff, letting-go of societal norms.
I also have the personal challenge of letting-go of some of my baggage, of grieving and healing; lately I have been feeling angry and hurt that when people ask me how I am, they don't really ask me how I am, or really take the time to listen. That maybe, because I blog, because 7 months have passed since mum died, because I am getting on with life, I am OK. I AM NOT OK - just in case you were wondering. I am angry, very angry, really angry, gigantically angry, and in case you weren't sure - I'M ANGRY. And I'm hurting. It's like my heart has been ripped out, mashed about, squashed and then shoved back in - and I am supposed to be OK. That after all this time I should have 'closure'. So, after watching this amazing lecture, I have learnt that I don't need closure, I just need to heal, I just need to be. I have decided it is time to have counselling to help me voice my emotions around the loss and death of my mother; I have decided that I don't want to parent with anger any more; I have realised it is my problem that people don't ask, and that by working towards our new 'goals', I will have the time to take care of me, my family and invest in those around me who fill my heart and soul and totally 'get' where I am at. (Rant over).
So, in summary, our learning journey for the next few months is about living with less, loving with more, and defining our own (not the 'norm') terms of success.
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -Mark Twain
angela xx
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