Wednesday 21 March 2012

May the sun shine again!

It has been a very difficult couple of weeks since my mother died; her death affected me far more than I anticipated and I have had to accept that I am grieving for her, and for all the lost years in-between.  I have a client due any day, but have had to hand over her care to another wonderful midwife for this week at least, as I give myself some space to breathe and care for me and the family.

I am however, starting to feel better, and am confident that there will be better times and sunny days ahead!  Since I last posted, I have paid very little attention to the children; Noah, I have noticed has become quite disruptive and aggressive and there is lot's of bickering between them all.  Thinking about it fully, I am aware that he is quite probably BORED.  My grief is not his grief, and whilst the children have been as understanding as they can be (for children!) they have / had no emotional attachment to my mum, so it's totally alien to them to feel upset.

Today I decided it was time to nip the boredom in the bud, and to try and focus my energy on them.  Wednesday is history club: Noah really did not want to go as he is missing his friend Jasper (he's not doing it this term), but I rallied him up and we headed off to Woking for the Tudor's session.  In the end, Lily and Noah really enjoyed the session, and today they did some weaving and learnt about the Tudor 'diet', and Noah made a new friend.  I did have to stop myself from giggling at the presenter today; he-spoke-in-such-a-monotone-voice-that-the-children-were-very-bored-and-I-thought-he-would-be-great-for-my-insomnia!  Poor boy (yes he was young enough to say that!) was totally scared by all the people looking up to him.

Tudor Weaving....

On the way back from History club, we stopped at Mercedes-Benz World and had a little wonder around (we had to collect something from there), and even stopped for tea & cake.  The plan had been to come home and follow up on the tudor lesson, but with the sun shining beautifully we headed off to the park on our bikes instead.  Lily spent almost two hours roller-skating (need to take camera next time) and Noah made another new friend and went 'exploring' for most of the time!

We plan to follow our time-table again and to bring some kind of routine into our daily lives.... we are also planning some huge changes (watch this space) but in the meantime, let's hope the sun continues to shine.  Everything feels better when the sun is shining.

Angela xx

Wednesday 7 March 2012

When it doesn't rain.....

Life has a funny way of ensuring that just when you have it all under control, it decides to show you that actually Mother Nature is in charge - not us!

At the start of last week I thought I was getting things 'sussed' so to speak.  The girls in school; Noah enjoying home-schooling; a loose time-table in place.....  things were looking good.  It's amazing how in just 7 short days your life can change significantly - learning to go with the flow is something I am starting to have to become good at.

In December 1993, I was a 17 year old girl, studying at college and on the cusp of adult-hood.  My mum, took a huge overdose that Christmas and my life changed.  Overnight.  Mum slipped into a coma and when she finally came-round it was clear that things were not good.  My bright, intelligent, funny, mother was severely and irreversibly brain damaged.  My world crumbled and for 18 years I had to slowly let her go, greive for her, and come to terms with the fact the my mother did not really know me; was bed-ridden; tube-fed and had very limited awareness of the world around her.  To help me bare with the heart-break, and to make it easier for others, I simply told most people she had died; and in a way she had.  The woman she had been was not a refelction of the shell that exisited, and every time I saw her another part of my heart would break.

So, back to March 2012 and me being super-pleased that I was in control; clearly not!  On Saturday, after 18 long years my mother finally passed away.  In the same week, my best friend told me some heartbreaking news; my lovely Lily realised that she really did not want to be at school (we always thought this might be inevitable)  and suddenly I am trying to keep it all together.

So what next?  The funeral is next week and for me this means I can finally have closure and say goodbye to the person I loved most in the world; Lily and Noah will remain home-schooled and we will just enjoy it, take one day at a time and not make any decisions about 'education'; I shall have reduce my midwifery work from after the summer so that I can support my children as best I can; and I guess, in truth, will really have to learn to 'go with the flow'.

Angela x