Mr Lautner and growing old

I had aimed to write a lovely reflective piece about how our de-cluttering and down-sizing is going; how it felt to clear Lily's room (sickening, as she had so much stuff that I had wasted money on), how it felt to walk past shops (liberating, but ohhh there is some pretty stuff out their), how I was feeling inside (much better thanks), but the truth is, I am feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment.  I am feeling old.  Now, I am not expecting any pity here (I can do that for myself, thank you) as I am in good health (mostly), and I am still closer to 35 then 40, and I still (hopefully) have many years ahead of me, but this week has been one of those 'light-bulb' moments that we sometimes have.....

Something for sore eyes

Friday nights, are film  night in our family; this week we settled to watch Abduction [DVD], an action movie starring Taylor Lautner.  Now, if you haven't come across Taylor before, he is quite attractive (British tone) or Pretty Hot (American tone).  My mind, which tends to work in that slightly restrained British tone, is leaning more towards the American (pretty hot) attitude when it comes to Taylor.  It's more relaxed, if you get what I mean.

Mr Lautner

Anyway, Taylor is the main character in the film, and is all kind of moody and actioney, and YOUNG!  Oh my, how young.  And here in lies the problem that is making me feel old; Mr Lautner is closer in age to my teenage daughters than to me; and my teenage daughters also think he is pretty hot.  Somehow, over the past 14 years, I have grown up: I have raised three children to double figures (and the're not too damaged, well done Ben & I!), qualified in a profession, made friends, lost friends, laughed, cried, and got older - even though in my head I am still 20 something - I have got older.

Apparently, if I am attracted to someone much younger, or who is now closer in age to my daughter's, then technically, I understand that makes me a 'cougar', an older woman chasing a younger man.  Or then again, maybe it just makes me someone who feels young in-side, who can still dream, who still has a whole life ahead, who likes to window shop (after all, I am downsizing and not 'buying' stuff any more).  Perfectly acceptable then?  I think so.

I know one thing that this 'light-bulb' moment has enabled me to see, and that is my children are growing, and my eldest will not be my 'child' for much longer, but a young woman with her own hopes, dreams and life.  I can not choose her dreams or live my own 'failed' ones through her, but as her parent, I can only hope to prepare her for her own exciting, challenging, changing journey.  I have to have the maturity and wisdom to let her go - and that is something that can come with getting older.

Several years ago, I came across a book called 'The Prophet'; this beautiful collection of prose poetry shares wisdom in a simply profound way.  My favourite, is the one on Children:

enjoy
angela x

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children." 

And he said:


Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable. 

A week of travel

Last week we did a lot of travelling; we travelled along the Amazon and searched for the Xanti, we visited  Panem and some of it's districts, we nipped to the living room and explored the female pelvis and we met with some 'wild things' in a far off distant land.

Our week started with a workshop I hosted entitled 'A Morning with a Midwife'; 12 home-ed children aged 9 - 15 spent the morning with me as we covered the physiology and anatomy of pregnancy, birth and the pelvis (you can read all about it here in my midwifery blog).  It was a really great morning and I enjoyed it so much that I will be offering it again in the not too distant future.....

and in different tones.

Sophie's current work...

Sophie has been continuing with her art GCSE; I am so amazed with how talented she is (I can just about draw a stick man) and it is so lovely to see her skills developing; we are planning some trips to support her studies, and she is really growing into her creativity which is so important.  A fellow home-ed mother sent a great link to a blog post about the importance of creativity, and whilst there are set pieces of work to do, and yes it is being 'evaluated', there is a lot of emphasis on personal growth.  Sophie is struggling a little with the required amount of work, but the great thing about home-ed is she is not trying to fit in 8 other GCSE's (and a life) at the same time!

Finally, after quite a few months, Noah and I finished our trip along the Amazon with 'Journey to the River Sea'.  We stopped reading this together for quite a while, and I'm not sure how and why that happened really: however, after talking to an experienced home educating mum about my frustration with not always getting done what we had set out to do, she shared with me a gem of knowledge:

  "if there is one thing I have realised along my only journey of home ed, it's that things are always changing.  And the one consistent thing that has made a real difference to their learning is reading, reading, reading.  Reading to my children opens so many worlds and introduces them to say many things and it forces me to sit with my child for a cuddle.  It is the one thing we never let slip".  

This sharing of such a simple key element to home ed was really enlightening for me (another letting go of expectations?) so I have sat and read with Noah and Lily (Sophie, at nearly 14 is not feeling the need quite so much) and finally Noah and I finished reading what turned out to be a beautifully written, exciting and wonderful book!  I researched some 'top children's books list' and the next book we are tackling is 'Treasure Island'.


The rest of our week was relatively quiet, and on Friday we had a DVD day.  Noah and I sat and watched 'Where The Wild Things Are'; this charming film was based on the classic book by Maurice Sendak and is one of our favourites.  The film we loved!  For me, I felt that the wild things were reflecting the emotions that Max was experiencing and unable to vocalise; it made Noah think a lot, but he mainly just enjoyed it for what is was.  Lily, being Asperger's, just saw it through her own eyes and couldn't see the 'point' of the film as it was so obviously just people dressed up; it is difficult for an 'Aspie' person to see things through someone else's eyes, and just by chance I came across the fab blog written by an Aspie adult who really helps explain how they 'see' things.  It really is a sweet family film and both Noah and I cried at the end.

Our evening choice of DVD was a little less gentle; The Hunger Games.  We had heard varying views on the suitability of this film, but we all really, really enjoyed it!  Yes, it was quite violent, but the story was more than just people killing each other (really) and inspired lots of debate between the family.  The next day we brought the book set and I nabbed the book version first, with the others queuing up to read it after I have finished.


Some weeks we get loads done, others a lot less; on the surface it can appear we aren't really doing much at all, but secretly we (all) our doing that thing of learning all the time.  Even if it is just about ourselves or the films we like.

Teaching is not a matter of making children learn; it is a matter of making sure you don’t get in their way.  David Gribble

angela x

Autumnal Changes

Last week I posted a really powerful 'open dialogue' with you (my lovely reader) on this blog; since then I have cried a lot, journalled a lot, thought a lot, but generally felt a whole lot better.  Sometimes, just getting out what is stuck inside can be the start to really healing.  Thank you to those who came and listened and let me cry (and probably dribble on you a little).  It helped.

Autumn is my favourite time of year; I love it as the evenings start to draw in, the landscape starts to change, the fire is lit in the hearth, hot chocolate re-appears on the 'essential food' list, and everything just starts to slow a little.  I enjoy celebrating Halloween, Bon Fire night and starting the countdown to Christmas.  Most of all, I love snuggling in my bed or on the sofa and reading with my children; reading, I am discovering, is probably where my children are doing most of their learning - and mostly without the need for me to 'teach' them anything.


Just like those autumnal leaves are changing and turning beautiful colours, so too this week has seen another time of change, another chance to grow:  I often have wobbles about what we are doing (and accept now this is part of home-ed and my own un-schooling), and yet again, this week I learnt a valuable lesson.

Noah, if in main-stream education would currently be in Yr 5; he has recently taken to writing to his BFFE (now a pen-pal), and when it came to addressing the envelope, his handwriting was huge and swirly and could not fit on an envelope.  I freaked! That is not how to address a letter if your 9, if your in year 5, if you are keeping up with your peers.  I took over, re-wrote the envelope and huffed and puffed a bit.  Later on, once I had reflected on this episode, I realised what the real problem was; my fear.  My fear that people would think 'can't she teach her son to write properly?'; my fear that somehow his writing was 'not up to scratch'; my fear that he won't get into university?  Fear, it seems, has a lot to do with schooling and not a whole lot to do with education.  Noah can spell amazingly well, he reads for pleasure, he asks (annoyingly) a billion and one questions.  He is bright, funny, articulate..... and I allowed my fear to make him feel that his writing was wrong.  That is not good.

So, I apologise to Noah for doubting him, for trying to make him 'fit': in future I will make no apologies for his hand-writing; the swirls, the large font, the flaws.  That writing is Noah, in all his brilliance and all his creativeness and in all that he is; one day, he will write perfect envelopes, and he will get there in his own time and at his own pace.

The other change a-foot will be in this blog; just a little change, one I hope you will like.  I love writing, and can't always get everything down; I now plan to blog twice a week; one post will be about our home-learning, things to inspire, share, let you know what we've been up to.  The second will be reflective and more about our journey, feelings, thoughts and the 'spiritual' side of us.   You can 'follow' the blog (this makes me feel less lonely!) by clicking on the right hand side, or you can register to receive emails.

What changes will autumn inspire in you?

angela x 

The possibilities of change

The past twelve months has been the hardest, scariest, most exciting, difficult and amazing journey of my life, and I am sensing a 'size-mic' shift in our family and where we are heading.

I have been on a personal journey of growth and change since Noah was born; having my child at home made me start to question the 'establishment', the 'norm', and ever since then this has pretty much been a theme of mine; to question, to try and see things through a 'different' lens, to explore some of the alternatives.  It makes life interesting, it can make life harder, but somehow it always ends up feeling 'good' - instinctively 'right'.

So this year, my core beliefs are up for questioning again!  When my lovely hubby and I started out on our journey of 'married life', these where our goals:

• Children
• A four-bedroom detached house (witn en-suite)
• Two nice cars on the drive
• Holidays 
• Nice 'things'

A normal list, the suburban dream right?  The thing is, we've done all of that, and somehow I don't feel fulfilled by any of it.  This is what I see instead:

• Individuals who are vying to be heard
• A large house that needs cleaning and maintenance, and a mortgage that is a noose around our necks
• A nice car that cost a fortune to run
• Expensive holidays that you spend all year wishing away time to get to - and then the rest of the year paying off!
• Stuff

I have often swung between wishing and trying to be more 'authentic', and then idealising the 'modern dream', but the events this year have finally shown me that actually, my heart and soul is with being authentic. In conclusion, Modern life sucks.  

So, with the help of wonderful new book, we are starting the change; we are working our way towards a different list, a different way of demonstrating success, a more 'authentic' way of being:

• A family who are connected, but learning to walk their own paths
  (loving, sharing and letting go)
• A small home to keep us warm and safe
  (small mortgage, less cleaning, more time to pursue mindful living)
• One car
  (a reliable, inexpensive car without huge monthly commitments)
• Trips
  (visiting places, having experiences, winter camping.  NO post-holiday bills to clear!)
• Living with what we need - not want we 'want'
  (less stuff to organise, clean, sort, pay for etc etc)

This month we are clearing out, de-cluttering, letting-go of things that we simply do not need.  I personally have decided to take the 'project333' and have whittled down my wardrobe (a challenge I can tell you!) and have another few things to go..... but it is already feeling very liberating.  We are taking on one room at a time, and we will then re-do those rooms, and then re-do those rooms again!  We have challenged the children too, and will be introducing the '30-day' rule; if you want something, wait for 30 days, and then if you still want it / need it, then you can buy it (if you have saved the money).  

Our goal will take time to 'reach', but the real learning is not in getting 'there', but in the journey we take; re-finding who we are, making space and time for the things that are really important to us, connecting with our souls, reducing our consumption of stuff, letting-go of societal norms.

I also have the personal challenge of letting-go of some of my baggage, of grieving and healing; lately I have been feeling angry and hurt that when people ask me how I am, they don't really ask me how I am, or really take the time to listen.  That maybe, because I blog, because 7 months have passed since mum died, because I am getting on with life, I am OK.    I AM NOT OK - just in case you were wondering.  I am angry, very angry, really angry, gigantically angry, and in case you weren't sure - I'M ANGRY.  And I'm hurting.  It's like my heart has been ripped out, mashed about, squashed and then shoved back in - and I am supposed to be OK.  That after all this time I should have 'closure'.  So, after watching this amazing lecture, I have learnt that I don't need closure, I just need to heal, I just need to be.  I have decided it is time to have counselling to help me voice my emotions around the loss and death of my mother; I have decided that I don't want to parent with anger any more; I have realised it is my problem that people don't ask, and that by working towards our new 'goals', I will have the time to take care of me, my family and invest in those around me who fill my heart and soul and totally 'get' where I am at. (Rant over).

So, in summary, our learning journey for the next few months is about living with less, loving with more, and defining our own (not the 'norm') terms of success.  

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -Mark Twain

angela xx

Holidays

We have been on our holidays this week to beautiful West Wittering.... so instead of a blog I shall let the pictures do the talking:

Happiness is......

For some reason, this week has felt quite hard for me.  I can't quite put my finger on what it is exactly - is it the loss of Bodhi, the new term, juggling too many things, my body's unwillingness to be a size 10 - or perhaps it's a combination of all of these things and more.  Either way, I have the feeling that despite my best efforts not to, it is so easy to get caught back into the 'race' trap.  I'm not sure what the finishing line 'is' exactly, but the pressure to get there is sometimes tangible, and raises those little questions that quietly nag in the back of your mind until before you realise it, they've grown into this big cloud of anxiety hovering about your very being.  You probably know what some of those questions are......

am I doing enough? am I a good mother? why do I feel lonely? am I failing my children? does my bum look big in this? (ok, maybe that's not an important question, but its still there!), are my children doing ok? are we 'learning' enough? should we do more? less? will we ever pay the mortgage? how can I be a better wife / friend / mother?.....

I hope your getting the drift with that.  Stilling the mind and stepping off that race track is tricky, so I'm not going to try and analyse it, instead I am going to change the subject.  One of the blogs I follow has inspired me to write a 'Happiness is..... ' list.  So this is mine:

Happiness is the quiet before my children wake

Happiness is the sun dancing on the leaves outside my window

Happiness is chocolate cake

Happiness is tea in my favourite mug made each morning by my lovely husband


Happiness is the crisp pages of a new book

Happiness is climbing into my bed at the end of the day

Happiness is cuddles from my children at an unexpected moment

Happiness is warming my feet by the fire, knitting in hand

Happiness is catching up with friends over a good coffee (soya latte please)

Happiness is watching a new mother look into her baby's eyes for the first time


I think all the learning for the moment that the children and I need is centre on this for a while, and for them to create their own list.  What are your 'happiness is... moments?

angela x

home education: what on earth is that?

This week, I had a dentist appointment.  My dentist was asking me about how the children were getting on back at school; I explained that they weren't at school and that for various reasons we now home educate.  My dentist was concerned about how I cover the curriculum, and will the children be able to 'integrate' in later life.  I loved that question (not), but it's just one of several I have had about 'what we do', so I thought I would take some time to write a bit about how the Horler Home-ed (unschooling) works and highlight our 'home education philosophy' that reminds us what we are trying to achieve.

Our 'Terms'
We loosely base our terms on the standard school year, although we can choose to start and stop whenever we feel.  We have a short break booked for the end of September, and by being 'out of season' it means that its cheaper, quieter and on our own terms (yay!).

This year we will finish our 'learning' by the end of November; throughout the month of December we can focus on doing season related crafts and trips, make our preparations for Christmas and spend a lot of time in front of the fire.

Our Weeks
We have regular activities each week.  This term we have:

• Tuesdays: 'Teen' group (for local home-ed teenagers to meet and socialise)
• Wednesday (alternate): Local home-ed group with History of Art session attached
• Thursday: Swimming & Diving lessons
• Friday: (alternate): Ice-skating

These regular activities provide some rythmn to our week and also ensure that we (all) get the chance to meet with others and make friends.

I plan a lose theme for each week, and have arranged field-trips to support the theme.  This is where the unschooling bit comes in; I do not require the children to write a report, to read about where we are going, to make a leaflet or plan a project.  In fact, the only thing I require is that they come on the trips with enthusiasm and enjoy it with consideration to those around them.  Why do I not expect them to do some work?  because, I have learnt that when I require them to do something, they almost immediately 'switch off', or they expect me to spoon-feed some sort of lesson plan.  Firstly, I am way too busy (lazy) to do that, and secondly, if they are not really interested, then they won't learn.  Full-stop.  Education is not about me providing information of tasks, it is much more than that, and this article seems to sum it up pretty well!  The part I love best is this:

"What truly makes a person educated is that they are able to perceive accurately, think clearly, and act effectively according to self-defined (my emphasis) goals and aspirations. An educated person is also respectful of others regardless of their power and status, responsible for the results of their actions, and resourceful at getting what they need, both, personally and for their family, organization, and /or society."

What I have found, is that if they are interested, the retain information relevant to them, and they usually then seek a way of finding out more and initiating their own project around that, and will invite me to help them or I will offer to support them if I feel they need some guidance.  It does take energy (and sometimes I don't offer myself as much as I would like) but we are still learning about this new way of learning - together!

Our day-to-day
Our aim is to be washed, dressed and breakfasted by 9am (but this is flexible, especially if its cold outside).  Then we 'start' our day.  As Sophie is choosing to study for three GCSE's this year (art, biology and maths) we do have 'lessons' for these; art and maths are out-sourced with tutors, and Biology is with me.  These subjects are covered in the 'formal' and traditional method of learning and are scheduled into the week.  We are also learning Spanish this year (as their grand-father is Spanish, we figured it's about time!) and this is also 'formalish' learning, but I am trying to make it as fun and interesting as possible.

The rest of the day we potter, read, write letters, practice piano / guitar, maybe watch an interesting programme, participate in art, bake, talk, talk some more, garden, walk, look up information on the internet, read some more, play (hugely under-estimated as essential for development), go out, visit friends, visit the library, visit local museums etc etc.  I do wonder how we used to fit school in! I have also created an 'idea-wall', using a photo-pocket hanger; at the start of the week I pop in cards with ideas of things they can do in the week (I totally stole this idea - hands-up).  This way, they have a reminder of things they can do in their own time (and leave me in peace for approximately 41 seconds until they need some form of help)....

Idea-wall

Our week planner

Whilst on the surface this looks like we don't really do much, it comes back (again) to the premise that children learn all the time.  They have years to work out what really interests them, and if they are inspired to learn, and are able to instigate and govern their own learning, when the time comes they will work towards gaining the relevant qualifications to ensure they meet their educational goals.

To see how that is all put into place, here is this weeks break down:

Saturday: we organised a wood-work morning.  This was a really great morning and the chidren (and parents) loved it!  We had a whittling corner, a logging corner and after a break, family groups made bird-feeder tables.  We rounded off the morning with damper bread cooked on the chiminea.

Whittling

Logging / axing

Working on the bird feeder

Concentration!

Cooking damper!

adding the jam - Yum!

Monday: a dentist appointment for me in the morning, then in the afternoon we made some GCSE plans and ordered some resources.  Lily and Noah spent the afternoon building a camp in the living room.

Tuesday: We started the morning with some Spanish, creating posters and labelling our favourite things (!Mis cosas favoritas!), followed by an explanation from their Abuelo (my father) on the Spanish alphabet.  The afternoon involved Teen group for the girls and a trip to the skate park for Noah.  Our american friends came for tea so that was our multi-cultural lesson!

Wednesday: Maths for Sophie all morning and chiropractors for the rest of us.  This weeks 'theme' was local history, so in the afternoon we headed off to Chertsey Museum and enjoyed the exhibition on the history of St Peters Hospital.  This led to a search for the original 'Botley Mansion' where SPH originated from, then on the Addlestone Cemetary to see where my family are buried and to find the oldest gravestone we could (18something).

The Botley Mansion in the grounds of Homewood Park

Thursday: this morning was my chance to catch up with paperwork and this afternoon they all had their first Swimming and Diving lesson.

Now, if you think it all 'sounds lovely', and have visions of us singing like the Von-Trapp family, then I'm afraid your wrong.  I am so not the perfect mother and on Tuesday I shouted so loudly that I think I burst some vessels in my throat.  Some days, I think school would be a whole lot easier, and yes I really do miss my own time.  Do I worry?  you bet! I would be arrogant not to worry if I am doing the right thing - but are you totally confident in your choice of schooling or what you are doing?  Probably not.  What I am sure about is that my children will be able to integrate and that they will have an education (of sorts).

We all want the best for our children and we don't always get it right - we just have to keep trying, knowing that it's OK to make mistakes and there are lots of different ways of doing things.  This is just our way and just what we do (currently)!

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.  ~Dr. Seuss

angela xx